What's In A Name?

It wasn't with great measure or circumstance. It wasn't with time or deep thought. It just sort of came to me. What should I call this thing, this place where I put my thoughts, this place where you can listen if you want to, chime in, ask questions? Well, without being overly analytical (ha, that will be funny later when you learn just how introspective I can be), who am I and how did I get here? What do I do?

I run.

I'm not sure I can consider myself a runner, but I definitely run. 28-40 miles spread over up to 5 days a week, to be precise. I am 9 weeks away from my first marathon, so at the moment, I definitely run.

And what about Losing? Am I Running and Losing weight? If you had asked me that question a year ago, I think I would have said yes. We are all, after all, always watching, working, waiting to lose some weight, aren't we? (What, you guys don't keep a food log?)

But I think it's more than losing weight. I think it's trying and losing, and I think it's running straight in to the next challenge with just as much hope. My whole life I have run, run, run at full and un-maintainable pace towards whatever task is in front of me. I keep that pace until I hit a brick wall, my body shuts down, I LOSE.

I never seem to learn. I just go until I can't go any more. In work stress, in workouts, in traveling to visit friends and family, it's always the same. I can feel it build, I can feel that brick wall getting closer and closer, but I don't know how to slow down, not in time.

When I was 17, I was a Cross Country runner for my high school. I was juggling varsity sports, club soccer, honors classes and the full social schedule of any senior high school student. The state qualifying meet for Cross Country happened to fall on the same weekend of my sister's first college play. She was amazing on stage and I desperately wanted to see her performance, but I had worked so hard running twice a day for months that I really wanted the chance to qualify.

I begged my parents to let me stay home to run the meet. Even though they had never so much as left any of their kids home alone overnight, they knew this one was important to me. Under the watchful care of my best friend's family, they allowed me to stay and wished me luck in the race.

After months of Running, I was about to start Losing. With my best friend, her family, and several other friends from school there to cheer me on, I started the race strong with a sub 22 minute 5K in sight. After mile 1 I was on track and feeling strong. Somewhere between mile 1 and mile 2, that brick wall finally appeared. SMACK! Right there in my face. I stopped my race, laid on the ground for a few minutes shaking and scared, and slowly made my way to where my best friend was waiting.

She and her mom were scared. They had never seen me like this, nor had I. That afternoon they took me to a walk-in children's hospital and held my hand as I cried about the infant size needle being used to take my blood. While waiting for the blood test results, the doctor asked me about my schedule and habits. With a raised eyebrow, I could tell he had an idea. I had to admit to him that I was barely eating, I was exercising more than I should, and I was stressed beyond what a 17 year old needs to be stressed about. A few minutes later he returned to confirm, I had mono.

A lot of us have had mono. You know that feeling I'm talking about. It's as if the blood in your veins is moving in slow motion through your body. It's tiring to take a deep breath. Even thinking is draining.

I think my case would be considered moderate. I was out of school for a few weeks, off the Cross Country team and sitting out soccer games. I recovered in time and felt somewhat strong again. But ya know, I was never quite the same. My immune system took a blow that it will never forget, even though my mind and my heart have happily put it aside.

I'm a middle child to a T. I'm stubborn, secretive, and the more you tell me not to do something, the more likely it is that I will try. So I ignore that brick wall that I know is eminent. I run and run, until I lose. This is a trend I've noticed in my choices throughout most of my life. It's one that I hope to gain control of as I approach my 30th birthday. But until then, I'll keep Running and Losing.